If I have to treat her like a grownup, and not like my minor child that I can boss around, she can fucking treat ME like a grownup, and not like her mommy that she takes for granted.. Instead, choose from these five replies. In every group Ive been in it is socially acceptable and expected that you can say youre busy for whatever reason you want. And I try to be easier on myself for not having more exciting weekend plans. However, there are a lot of male people who use this approach on female people because they are trying to be coercive. The problem with these is that the aforementioned cousin who wants you to babysit may treat your I dont know as nothing at all, I have zero excuses. You need to know your audience, but it does work well for the nosy-only requests. No.. And because family members pitch in. Except LW specifically said that with the peer-friends who are not using it as entrapment, LW doesnt find it problematic at all. 1, It feels rude not to ask back. Im actually really surprised at how many people have expressed that they find this question neutral small talk and/or dont understand why it can feel so loaded. I get the rude stealth favor askers too and it irritates. Wow, dear LW, that was a great message and it certainly gave me good points to think about. My husbands family is large and I generally love them, but sometimes I just do not want to eat little smokies and chips with 40 other people in a loud house with tons of screaming children. I feel like its somewhat related to not saying no also). I was hoping you would be able to tell me that. We do this so thoroughly that we then have to figure out how to re-train them so this doesnt put them at greater risk in the presence of predators, and we dont do that re-training thoroughly enough. Guys, sorry, I wont be able to make it., The kitty I am catsitting has fallen asleep in my lap. However, if you and/or your husband have used that phrase in the past where she is included in the We, shes not mishearing you/he are misspeaking. If an acquaintance asks How are you? and I answer and ask back like I do at home, am I way off? etc. Well, have fun whatever you end up doing / decide to do. But I hate this because then I have to pretend to wait while I figure out if my original plans are going through before I give them an answer. People hinting around leading up to asking for dates: Pretty much the same deal, only much more dangerous. I dont worry when people say no to me either. It kind of sucks to be going about your business and then people remind you that you dont fit in. This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list. Oh, yes, white supremacy/racism in action. Thats my favorite response! 1 Keeping It Real I am currently out of the office on vacation. So, sometimes it is a trap! Am I Really? Just treating it as a question of not disclosing/being private is entirely the wrong approach. Dont ask each of us the same question. Here's a more thorough list of things Siri manages to do well most of the time: Making a call / Facetime. Jackpot! Man, that sounds great, but I know Im forgetting something on my calendar. This is a very funny response to give to "whats up." Specific questions and order thereof arent quite the point. With friends, I might have the motive of finding time to hang, but often its just to find something to talk about. Try these instead. Texting or sending an email to someone. Re #1, true that. Have a very happy weekend! And if someone is trying to open a debate about the validity of your plans vs. what they want you to be doing, it is a refusal to take the podium. It means people will help you less, go out of their way for you less, give you poorer recommendations for your next job, and on and on. I also feel compelled to give easy ways out when I feel like Im making a request, including ending requests with and no is a perfectly acceptable answer.. It all feels like a gross, stupid game I dont want to play. Mother likes to trap me. I get the friendly sentiment, but its not always welcome and people would do well to use more discretion. "Great, thanks for asking" is a generic response that you can use when you receive a "how's your day going" message. @mangosteeen, I would pay money to see Nosy Tellers face if you were to tell him you were flying to the moon some weekend! I find mildly-but-not-entirely-absurd stock answers to be a good distraction. Just make sure to follow these three rules for sending Tinder messages: Keep it PG-13, even on Tinder. I do have quite good boundaries with my family (after years of building them) and definitely only babysit when I want to. Im trying to train her out of the habit. The kind of situation where someone finds out you are free that evening and then says, Good! If I catch myself, before they respond lll clarify what my actual invitation is. Id like to get you to take out the trash.), There *is* a certain amount of call on her time that I -do- feel entitled to (she lives in my home, not hers; shes a member of my family). My family are a bunch of hyper-social weirdos for whom my introvert-ness is very confusing. If you want! 18. Life is filled with lots of required thing that some folks loathe and others either like or dont care either way. Your kids are loud. Boy, do I need it. In general, most people will expect a response like this when they . We should hang out sometime soon! Is something I expect people to either reply yeah that would be fun or ignore/tell me theyre swamped but wish they could do as a no. BUT! I have a rule of thumb for stuff like this, which is sometimes with a passive aggressive person, I just aggressively pretend they asked me a direct question or made a direct statement, and will respond as though they did. You can also better manage your time because you can text her at anytime you want. Are you up to anything good?, If the person comes back with an invitation and youre not enthusiastically sure you want to do whatever it is, delay! to add: I think if there are people youre close to who do this a lot, like your sister, you can just tell them its a small thing but it bugs you and can they please ask a different way. If a coworker does this several times in a row, I sense they dont want to connect with me on that level and stop asking. Her presence in this household is ONLY because of her family relationship. But I explained that I feel like Im being put on the spot- and I would prefer that she just ask me what she wants. Now, when someone asks, I reply, Im not sure what Ill be in the mood for. If someone responds with an offer of plans, I can then say, Nice! Usually, the asker will tell me why they asked after I answer, no matter what the answer is (busy, not busy, dont know). For example, while my wife and I are paying with a credit card after having Saturday morning breakfast, and while the receipt is printing out, the cashier will say, So, you guys got any good plans for the weekend?. Im with this LWask me to do a specific thing or dont. I prefer living and working in places with a major international contingent for that reason so that different is what is normal. parents of adult children pull this exact same rude little stunt, I am the parent of an adult child who is living at home, and I have been training myself since her teenhood to say, I would like to claim some of your time this weekend or I would like to ask a favor for this weekend, if youre available. or would you help me with X instead of are you busy? (OK, sometimes Ill say, Are you busy? If you are an academic assigning my posts in your courses, Id appreciate an email with a copy of the relevant syllabus/assignment for my records/CV. "Have a happy Saturday." 2) "It's almost the weekend." 3) "And just like thatPoof! Giving my turtle a haircut. 3. I get that I might not be asked to future events as well. (Id definitely use this for the likely-to-request-babysitting sister, for the recordany time youre asking someone a favor, you lead with that, you dont try to trap them into it!). Excellent insight and analysis. Sometimes, answering a question with a question is the best strategy. People use it for all sorts of reasons. I use this regularly, as does most of my social group. A professor I studied under said she, without thinking about it, had an automatic habit of spotting people likely to do that oh Im so nice to your differentness type of racism and trying to run interference to keep them from saying that crap around her grad students. ooh. Oh, surviving, surviving. The same is true for both indirect hinty inquiries like doing anything on the weekend? and direct invites like Are you available for X chore/ Y funthing Saturday between 2 and 5? Or noncommittal responses like dunno, maybe or definite responses like I will make time for a few specific fun things within specific timeframe, otherwise I am unavailable. None of these is universally rude; any/all can be considered presumptuous, pushy, passive, or otherwise inappropriate to specific circumstances or relationships (and fine/desirable for others), and any/all may result in added difficulty/danger if they are spoken to a person who has the ability to cause problems if displeased, and are not what that person wants to hear. I am so devoted to nail care now that it takes me 27 hours to get my tips right! On the other hand, there are the problem/dominance-related ones: 1. Apologize IMMEDIATELY and never ask me that again!. Thanks to this blog, mostly , Yeah, I also dont entirely understand how the question could be meant to make it easier to decline an invitation. Vagueing it up works for me. Is it just me? Like I said, you know the people and the situation better than I, an Internet Stranger, do. What he sounds like to me is the dweebs in engineering school who would pull this routine. single. I always answer with [local Canadian area], because its 1) true and 2) not at all the answer theyre fishing for (although I sometimes? And she might feel hurt that Id rather do nothing than do something with her. Photo by Josh Rocklage on unsplash 02 "Not you, unfortunately." I can also see how always hearing a particular question before being asked a favor is going to start getting on your nerves. Helen Huntingdon mentioned interruptingI just want to say, thats a helluva an assumption. That wasnt an assumption it came directly from what you posted about deciding to take her leisure time. .except I have a ton of folks in my life who literally ask this to trap me into doing things for them, so thinking their intent is innocuous after being shown time and again it isnt, doesnt necessarily fit the bill- specifically based on the reasoning LW gives. But its also true I can (usually) reorganize my schedule enough to accommodate plans I want to attend. It gives them nothing, and forces them to divulge their plans. At the same time, someone can just say oh not much if they dont wanna share, which is what I do if my plans that night are private eg therapy.
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